“Courage is never to let your actions be influenced by your fears" - Arthur Koestler

This will probably be more of a personal entry than an RPing one, but since RL and RPGL crash together so often for me, I'm sure I'll makes some references to both.

My love life has been tumultuous, for a lack of a better word. (Actually, tumultuous would be putting it rather lightly.) While this is a constant source of aggravation and heartache, it's also an incredible source of inspiration for my writing. As they say, write what you know, and I know lover's angst.

There have been many times I've sat down and said to myself, "If only you could come up with a good plot around what you've experienced. It'd make a fantastic book."

I'm not sure if it's just laziness that prevents me from actually thinking it through, or the fact that I try to repress such memories and feelings, even if they are great sources of writing material.

Some of you might know what I'm referring to, but most of you probably don't. In short, I've gone through, damn, almost 10 years of this romantic back and forth with Mr. S (I will call him). He and I met one fateful summer whilst at camp. Ok, it was band camp, and if I hear any references to the movie, I'll kill you.

Just for thinking it, here is the long version! *laughs maniacally*

Anyway, the only reason I ever spoke to him was because my best friend and roommate for camp had fallen head over heels for him. The camp was split into two different bands, and I happened to be in the same band as Mr. S, which meant my friend sent me on daily reconnaissance missions. In the beginning, I couldn't say I really had feelings for him, but they sort of developed out the friendship that formed between us, despite the odd circumstances for our introduction.

Ends up half the damn female population of the camp was after him (what can I say, he was tall and gorgeous). By the end of the two weeks, I realized that my affection had grown, but he was already seeing someone, and while I was young, I wasn't stupid enough to believe anything would come of those feelings, even if they were mutual (which I didn't find out until later). So I wrote it off. Sort of.

Anyway, on the last day of camp, we traded contact info and such. Neither of us hinted to each other of our feelings; I think we both knew that there really wasn't a point. Either that, or we never had the nerve to do so. But again, he was two years older and was seeing someone at the time. I was 15 and that's way too young to be labeled a home wrecker.

So we parted ways, but kept in touch quite frequently over instant messenger. It didn't take long for both of us to confess our feelings to each other, even if it was probably futile to do so. We were separated by states and about 9 hours of driving time. Even now as adults, we can't overcome that easily (I'll get to that later), so it was insane to think that it would be inconsequential for two kids in high school. But despite all the reasons why it made no sense, we still found ourselves inadvertently drawn to each other.

My aunt lived about two and a half hours from him, so we arranged for him to come visit me when I went to stay with her over the next summer. It was supposed to be for 2-3 days, but for reasons I can't recall now, he was only able to stay one night. I won't get into details but after he left was my first heart break. Looking back, I should have been smart enough to realize what would come of it, but being then 16 and in love, there was no way to talk sense into me.

We had some rocky moments in our friendship after that, which I think was a product of both of us fighting the feelings we had. It couldn't work, and we knew that, but in small ways we wished it could, and I think we both resented each other for a situation that neither of us could control. We were young and a bit stupid, so it kind of makes me laugh now.

We dated other people and lived normal teenage lives, but there was never a way to shake him from my heart. I tried, believe me, and I don't have any doubts that he did as well. No matter how much we tried to ignore it, we both always came back to each other. We always compared every person we dated to each other (and still do) and thus sabotaged any chance of a healthy and normal relationship. Score one for us. /sarcasm

Fast forward to senior year of high school. Mr. S was already in his second year of college and I was taking all college courses at a community college since I only needed senior English to graduate. I think that alone made me grow up a bit. Being in a different environment with older people probably helped. The only down side was I had some weird 25 year old guy in my bio class that kept hitting on me. Gross *shudder* That aside, Mr. S made my day, so to speak, when he offered to take me to my senior homecoming dance. My parents agreed and he flew down for the weekend. It was a great weekend, and by far the most memorable moment of my high school career.

But alas, it ended as I should have expected. Heart break #2

About six months later I started dating an amazing guy, who happened to be 3 years younger than I. We dated through the second half of my senior year and through the summer and a few months into the beginning of my first semester at college. I figured if I could survive his crazy mother's attempts to break us up (and oh did she try...she even called up my mom and told her all these horrible lies about me. Bitch. Too bad for her my mom actually knew her kid, unlike M's mom who had no idea who her son was), distance would be a piece of cake. I was wrong, and it humbled me. I then realized why Mr. S had acted the way he did. It wasn't to hurt me, as I liked to believe at the time, it was out of necessity. Didn't ease the pain, really, but it brought more clarity.

The following summer, over Fourth of July weekend, my parents planned on coming to visit me and my brother at school. Mr. S also made arrangements to visit me as well. Again, great weekend but ended as it always did. Hopes and heart broken. What's that? Oh yeah, #3.

Again we parted ways, and I picked up what pieces I could and moved on. I dated a couple more guys, one of which I really had it bad for, but the relationship blew up in our faces. It wasn't pretty and is part of the reason I still don't like to watch the 3rd Harry Potter movie. (It was our last date before we broke up that night).

That left me pretty scarred. I sort of went a little crazy after that. Definitely turned into someone that wasn't me and did things I definitely wouldn't do if I was thinking straight. Luckily I didn't do anything too stupid, but I credit that to Amber, who has been by my side since we were the tender age of 7. She helped me get my head on straight.

With a little help from her and a couple other friends, I regained my confidence once again. Though still emotionally battered, I felt a bit of my self worth come back. Partially, thanks to Christian and that amazing kiss. *fans self* That reminds me, I need to email him. *makes mental note*

Where was I? Oh yes. So, after the best summer of my life (Thanks, Amber :) ), I went back to school a bit refreshed. I still had some issues to work out, emotionally and physically. The break up had left me eating barely anything at all. Not intentionally, but more so the depression made me lose my appetite for months. As a result I dropped a lot of weight and I had to turn that around. The attention I got because of it was not something I was looking for and was definitely a nuisance. So I went on a whole betterment of self deal.

I reconnected with some high school friends who were also attending the same university. It was great, until one of them (a guy I had previously "dated" when we were in middle school) decided that he had a thing for me. Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy (who happens to be engaged. Congrats!), but he couldn't understand me. I was still reeling from what had happened with my ex and was in no emotional state to be in another relationship. He couldn't get that and just kept pushing and pushing to the point that I finally refused to see him. It sucked, because that meant separating myself from my other friends, but after I explained, they understood.

Later on that semester, Mr. S makes another trip to see me. I was thrilled but this time I was without expectations. It was just happy to have someone around who understood me. He knows me better than I do, and I think that was something I desperately needed at the time.

So he came down for what was supposed to be just a weekend, but ends up a hurricane decided to head right for us. My parents evac-ed my brother's fiance and their new son with them and wanted me to evac as well. She knows the dynamics of my relationship with Mr. S, and I bet she knew I was disappointed at the fact that our time together was cut short. So, she suggested I go back with him instead. She said it'd be safer anyway, as I'd be out of the state all together.

We decided to do it and I went to stay with him for a week.

It was the best week of my life. Hands down.

I wanted to hope and I definitely never wanted to let go of the contentment I felt during that week, but I'd finally learned my lesson. No expectations equals no heart break, so that's what I went in thinking. Sure enough, I got the same ending as I always did, only this time I said that was it. No more. I'd had enough and if he wasn't ready by now, he never would be. So we parted ways never to, I assumed, speak of romance again.

A few weeks later I get a message from him telling me that he was wrong. He needed me and he wanted to make it work. At this point, I had already shut off emotionally. I was angry and frustrated, which tends to make me a bit stupid and stubborn, and I, for the first time, said no to him. We've been battling with it ever since.

A few months later I started dating my current boyfriend, and we've been together for 3 years. I love him, dearly, but I'm starting to discover that we just aren't right for each other. We make better friends than a couple, simply because of our personalities. Not only that, but my heart still belongs to Mr. S. It always has, and it always will, and I have to stop denying it. I'm not doing anyone any favors by ignoring the reality I'm faced with. Only he will make me happy. He knows it, I know it. And now we have to deal with it, because it's obviously not going away.

A lot has gone down on that front over the past couple days. The boyfriend has no idea what's going on, and the fact that he's working so hard to make me happy makes me feel like even more of a scumbag for having errant thoughts. It's just that I realized the faults I laid on him for the reasons why our relationship wasn't working had nothing to do with him at all; it was all me. I want Mr. S and I tried to turn the boyfriend into that, admonishing him when he didn't live up to par. It was incredibly wrong of me and I could not apologize enough for it. It's not to say that all our problems were my fault. He had his own moments, but still. He deserves an apology.

My biggest regret in all this is that I know I will lose the boyfriend's friendship. In his culture, exes do not have any contact, really. Especially if one of them is dating someone else. I know if I cut ties, we will probably never speak again and that hurts. I do love and care about him, and I know that we will lose what we spent 3 years building. But at the same time, I can't lie to myself and I can't lie to him. We both hurt in that case and that's not fair. He will be angry, hurt, and resentful, and I will have problems dealing with the fact that I caused that. I want desperately for him to understand, but I know he won't. He loves me now and will hate me after. That's a lot of weight to bear on my shoulders. All that aside, I can't move with him. I can't marry him. I'll be doing both of us a disservice if I do.

I will have to speak with him, and sometime soon. I do want to get council from others before I have any serious discussions with him. Ok, so I am stalling, a bit. But can you really blame me?

So this is where I get all my inspiration! Great, isn't it?

<_<

Ahhh, conversational pleasantries

As if we needed another place to chat about RPing goodness, I've jumped on the RP blog bandwagon. I don't know how much of what I say will be useful in anyway to anyone, but at the very least, I hope that it is entertaining.

I think one thing I'll use this for is plotting! I need a place to really break down what I want to do with my poorly neglected characters. *hangs head in shame*

Right now I've got a solid plot for Helene going with Chris (Rowan) and I'm ridiculously excited about it. Mostly because it's the best laid out plot that I've had. I guess that goes to show how a little time and effort can make things a lot easier. Not to mention how much of a motivator it is.

Adrienne was my first, coming into creation all the way back to HOL days in 2003. I choose to block out subsequent RPing just because my writing was OMG!HORRID. Thankfully, I did not lose completely touch with HPU after I had to take an extended hiatus do to the dreaded RL. Honestly, RPing (ok, and reading a shitload of books) as definitely aided in making me a better writer. Not by just writing more, which is always helpful, but also by reading the wonderful posts by my fellow AUers. We have some seriously talented writers in our community and I'm damn proud that I am among the ranks.

Adrienne, though my first character, has left me perplexed. I know where she is right now, but I have only snippets of her past (and a poorly developed past it is) and pretty much nothing of her future. I really need to figure out where I want her to go before she drives me mad, or worse, I lose all desire to even bother. That is something I DON'T want to happen.


*sigh* trials and tribulations.